anger

Joel Shickman, my friend and seminary classmate, died this week. He was 37, with a wife and three young boys.

What can I possibly say to God at this moment?

Quite a lot, actually.

Currently, I'm living in Jerusalem. On Wednesday night, four days after Joel's death, friends and colleagues came to visit from the United States. They invited us on a tour of the tunnels under the Temple Mount . A bit of background - the retaining walls of Herod's Temple in Jerusalem make the Temple Mount. The mount encloses the site of the First and Second Temples built to God by the kings and rulers of biblical Israel. The Temple compounds were build around the stone where Jews believe Abraham nearly sacrificed Isaac (Genesis 22). That platform was the site of the "Holy of Holies," God's home on earth. Jews do not enter the mount itself, in fear of unknowingly walking on that holy ground. By taking the tunnel tour, you are able to get as close as possible to the Holy of Holies.

After I waited for our tour group to pass, I stood in that spot and spoke with God. With silent screams, I poured out my rage. I shook and I punched that retaining wall. I told God that I thought very little of God, and that God was cruel and foolish and I hated God. I said that God was lousy at God's job and at that moment, I wished that I could kill God.

Alone with those stones, I felt something very real. I felt God there with me in a way that no human being can be if we're angry. I was pounding God's chest, and God was holding me tightly, even as I tried to hurt God. With each scream and accusation, I knew that God was saying, "you are right. I am sorry." God takes my anger and says that I am right to be angry. God can't change what's happened and God can't explain it to me, but God knows my pain and feels the same thing.

God can handle our rage. Don't ever let grief make you think that you have no part in God. You are still here - a part of this universe. Even at our worst, God can take it. What I realized, and I see now even as I write, is that as much as I hate God, I am having a relationship with God. It's better to hate God that to leave.