wonder

It's hard for me to be satisfied. I'm always looking for more and better. It makes for stressful relationships with friends and family. It even makes it hard to like myself. Last week, when I said the Friday evening prayers that bring in the Jewish Sabbath, I asked God for the patience to appreciate everything that came my way that day, and not to wish for more than that Sabbath brought me. I prayed for satisfaction.

I said a prayer and it worked. That Sabbath was very pleasant, and did not seem lacking in any way. As I walked home from school the next day, I realized something. I've been looking at the world with the wrong idea in mind. As I said in "My Process" (October 7, '07), my work in theology is based in a way of looking at the world that asks why there is evil in the world. Then, I try to find an understanding of God that suits my knowledge about evil.

Maybe my understanding of God is all wrong. Maybe the question isn't "Why does evil exist?" but "How are we here at all?" That is, maybe I can't ask God for an accounting of the innocent suffering in the world. I should just be grateful that I get to experience anything, pleasure or pain. It's astounding that I exist at all. Think of all the physics and biology and pure chance that had to fit together to bring me to the point of living to ask any question about God's world.

My late friend had this sense. People called Joel an optimist. I don't know if that's what I'd call it. I'm a pretty happy person, even with my share of worry. What he had over me was faith. I would like to swallow a bit of his faith, and I want to be open to the real pains of this world. I hope that this new idea will fill me with wonder. I'm trying to be open to that.